Everything was running through my head, even getting my hopes up even though they’ve already told me the baby wasn’t okay. I did the pregnancy test and it was a more clear positive than the first pregnancy test I took. If it was negative – which I knew it wouldn’t be as I had no pain or bleeding and my sickness was still getting worse – I wouldn’t have to go in.
After the two weeks there was no sign of miscarrying so I rang the hospital and they asked me to do a pregnancy test. Not only was it mentally draining, it was physically draining, just waiting for something to happen. Two whole weeks I waited for my body to start expelling tissue and while all this was happening, so was coronavirus. Not knowing what I was in for I searched online and some of the things I read petrified me.
I went home still in disbelief, asking myself, why does my body hate me so much that I still feel pregnant even though my baby is dead inside me? As soon as I got home I made my mind up to choose natural management. I couldn’t think straight so she told me to ring her after the weekend when I’d had time to process it all. I spoke to the nurse and she gave me 3 options – natural, medical or surgical management. I hated myself, blaming myself and my body. Then she confirmed there was no heartbeat and that the baby was still measuring 7 weeks. Lying there I felt like my whole world was still. I felt sick walking in there, all my hopes pinned on the baby being fine. I rang the EPU the following day and got an appointment for an internal scan. I was still hoping my dates where incorrect and maybe they’d made a mistake seeing a heart beat on the first scan, maybe it was still too small to see. I still had all the pregnancy symptoms – sickness, tender breasts, tiredness etc. A few hours later I got the report for the hospital, which said no heart beat had been seen. I sat in the car and hoped that the small size of the baby was just because I had got my dates wrong. She said she’d do a report for the hospital and that I should ring the early pregnancy unit (EPU) for an appointment. She held my hand and told me she thought something was wrong. That was the moment I knew something had happened. We walked in to the scan room and the lady started scanning for the baby. I went with my partner and my mum, so that she could see her grandchild. On 4th March I had my second early reassurance scan. I walked away with a scan picture of my baby, which I will cherish for the rest of my life. She asked me to come back the following week to measure again. I was so happy, but the baby was measuring 6-7 weeks and I should’ve been 7 weeks. I decided to go for a private early reassurance scan and on 26th February I saw my baby for the first time – a little blob on the screen, with a flutter of a heartbeat. This was 2 weeks after I found out my sister was pregnant too! We worked out the dates and we were only 5 days apart, which made us both so excited. I felt every emotion when I saw the test result – shock, happiness and scared. I had a positive pregnancy test after being told when I was younger that I would need help with IVF when I started trying for a baby. On 6th February 2020 my life changed forever. Remember there is always someone to talk to no matter who that is and everyone is different, each miscarriage is different. Simply Say – supporting someone you know.
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